I miss my old self. I miss the lazy person who blew off deadlines, disregarded homework, lived a little more, and never tried to be so damn perfect. I miss that girl. ― Me

It’s October. I am 67 days away from finishing up my last semester in undergrad. This is supposed to be an exciting time. I should be rejoicing and happy to be graduating summa cum laude in less than 3 months especially since I have affectionately referred to my university as the “hellhole” for the past four years. On top of that, this is the biggest accomplishment of my life so far. But, excitement is not the emotion that I am filled with. It’s fear. Overwhelming fear.

I wasn’t a wild teen who got tattoos all over my body, did drugs, ran with boys, or cussed my teachers out or anything like that, but I was definitely a lot less reserved than I am now.  I was a lot more social. I had a lot more friends. Back then, that is what I needed for validation. I needed approval from others. I needed acceptance. While I am glad that that has changed, I can’t help but reflect on how I used to be. Sometimes I feel like a shell of that girl I was six years ago. Six years ago, teachers were lucky if I did my assignments before the actual day it was due. Now, I have become obsessed with getting perfect grades on everything. I choose to do extracurriculars I hate in order to be a stronger grad school applicant when I am not even sure what I want to study in grad school! I neglect my hobbies (this site is one painful reflection of that). And I can’t even remember the last time I did something fun without the guilt of responsibility looming over me like gray clouds before a thunderstorm. I definitely need to learn to relax. I am working on it.

Oddly enough, even when I was that girl who didn’t take responsibility so seriously, I was more weak-minded. I still conformed to people’s expectations of me instead of my expectations for myself. I chose my college because my parent’s pressured me into it. I chose my major because I thought being a lawyer was a lucrative and respected profession. Then I thought I wanted to be a professor. Then I realized that I do not like research or writing papers. I am just simply good at both of those. So what do I do now that I have admitted to myself that the plan that I have been working towards for the past two years is not my passion? Should I go to grad school and suffer through 5-8 years of a Sociology PhD because I think I can tolerate it? Should I become a professor because that is a profession worth going to graduate school for? I am sure I want higher education, but I am not sure about what I want to study. I am pretty certain that I would make a good professor. But I am also pretty certain that I do not really want to be a professor.

If nothing else is clear, it is very clear that I need to do some soul searching. I need to find my purpose and my passion. I think I know what I want to do with my life, but it is unconventional. It is hard to accomplish. It is something that my parents would probably look at my like I am crazy if I told them that this is my ultimate career goal. Now, the question that remains is: am I strong enough to go after my dreams?

Do you usually take the safe and expected route in life or do you walk to the beat of your own drum?